Valentine's Day, Our Way
Finding a celebration that feels authentic
Every relationship has its weaknesses. For example, Ryan and I are terrible at celebrating anything. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays often slip by us with little more than an acknowledgement of the date on the calendar.
It’s not that we don’t want to celebrate. It’s that we often don’t feel like putting in the effort — especially when a special occasional falls on a workday or even a weekend when we’re exhausted from life and don’t want to do much besides sleep and eat takeout. Neither of us are big Halloween or Christmas or Thanksgiving people, nor do we feel particular about doing birthdays or anniversaries a certain way.
That being said, we both feel a lot happier when we do make the time to mark certain special occasions. We learned this lesson in the years when Covid was on the rise and we could barely leave the house. Four birthdays and two dating anniversaries slipped by with barely any acknowledgement, as we couldn’t even justify going out for a nice dinner due to the fear of getting sick. (On some occasions we tried to make things special by getting a cake to eat at home or cooking a nice meal, so that’s gotta count for something.)
The lack of celebration from 2020-2023ish made us realize how much it matters to make sure we mark the dates that count — even if we don’t initially feel like it. Last year we were pretty good at celebrating our birthdays, which ended up being really fun. Ryan and I took a trip to Eau Claire in the fall just for ourselves and spent (probably) too much money on great food and little trinkets.
We’re also building new family traditions around Christmas and New Years, like hosting my sisters for an NYE party, as we’ve done since 2023. But the one holiday we’re historically the worst at celebrating is Valentine’s Day.
I’m not really into the schmooziness of a holiday centered around “love.” And neither is Ryan, even though we love each other very much. There’s this societal expectation that love always has to look and be super romantic, which is fine if you’re into that, but both of us feel a disconnect with traditional gestures of romance.
Like, I don’t need Ryan to surprise me with flowers or a diamond necklace. I don’t need to be wined and dined at a five-star restaurant that serves $100 filet mignon with no sides. Nor do I want to be whisked away to a tropical destination on a surprise vacation (though the sunshine this time of year would admittedly be really nice).
I just like spending time with Ryan, and he likes spending time with me. We don’t need to buy our way to affection or make some grand gesture to show how much we care. Our love is already there, 365 days a year, so it feels unnecessary to spend one day hyperfixated on making it visible.
But then again, it’s nice to do something together to celebrate our relationship, right? For years, Ryan and I have struggled to find things to do on or around Valentine’s Day that feel like us. Not some performative version of ourselves as a couple.
Historically we’ve kept things low key by getting dinner and dessert in town, which is always great. There’s a deli near us that sells a Valentine’s Day dessert box with tiramisu, cannoli, amaretto cookies, and cheesecake that we get every year. But we also decided to try some new things in 2025 beyond eating a tasty meal.
On Friday, we went to an Art Cafe in town and made collages while drinking mocktails. So fun! Neither of us have cut pictures out of magazines or worked with glue sticks since we were kids, which made for a refreshing creative experience. It was also nice to do something that didn’t involve our phones and kept us present in the moment.
Then, on Monday, we got day passes for a nearby spa. We spent all day soaking in the hot tub, roasting in the dry sauna, and lounging in the warm sun, oscillating between naps and reading an assortment of books and magazines. It was another chance to unplug and be present.
Afterward we went out for a nice dinner and got sandwiches and mocktails rather than fancy steak and a bottle of wine.
Valentine’s Day this year was actually fun. And it felt totally aligned with who we are as a couple.
The things we did were centered on having new experiences together. They weren’t fussy or posh or perfectly Instagrammable (though the Art Cafe was quite aesthetically pleasing). We got a chance to put our phones away and just be, which is something we’ve both been craving lately.
If you have any unique Valentine’s Day traditions, let me know about them in the comments! I want to hear about ways you genuinely connect with your significant other — or whoever you celebrate the holiday with.
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I think it’s great that you’re both aligned on not wanting to make a big deal out of certain anniversaries or holidays, even if my personal attitude is a bit different. I think the problem in relationships arises when one person doesn’t really care at all and the other person does care a lot about celebrations, and it can feel like the person who doesn’t care is putting on a show for the other person.
That being said, I do love that you found a fun way to make Valentine’s Day feel special to you both. I worked on a scrapbook and went to a science center with my boyfriend, and we picked up some flowers from a lady selling them by the side of the road on our drive back. It worked for us!