Re-learning How To Relax
The magic of chillin', as taught by my fiancé and his family
When Ryan and I first met back in 2019, he would come over to my apartment on the weekends and reluctantly watch me deep clean my entire place on Saturdays and Sundays. I didn’t care if he helped or not; I just felt obligated to do some kind of productive-ish busy work whenever I wasn’t at my actual job on the weekends.
Cleaning and cooking were outlets for my buzzy brain that didn’t want to sit still. I also spent my free time trying to cram in as many creative projects as possible that I didn’t have time for during the week. If I was a writer, that meant I always needed to be writing, right? I was also keen on tending to my other rotating hobbies, like zine-making and sewing. A proper weekend was a busy weekend, even if I didn’t actually enjoy myself.
Not allowing myself to rest when I had downtime eventually backfired. Trying to do a week’s worth of chores and creative projects in two days only made me more tired and extremely grumpy (go figure). I’d flop down in bed on Sunday night wondering why I felt so discontent. And on Monday morning, I’d roll into the office already feeling exhausted and reluctant to start the long week.
The solution to my self-imposed tiredness back then might seem simple: just take a chill pill! Stop doing so much! But in practice, slowing down was so mentally challenging, especially in the year after I graduated college and started my first job. I simply forgot how to relax without feeling guilty about it.
Ryan, on the other hand, has always been great at relaxing. On weekdays, once he’s off the clock, he actually stops thinking about work and shifts into doing whatever fun thing he had planned for the rest of the day. On the weekends, he makes sure the chores are done, but still makes time to rest and do stuff he likes.
I didn’t really understand how someone could be like that: able to put aside obligations and goals for a little while in favor of resting. While my weekend deep cleans certainly weren’t necessary, they felt important, and I had trouble letting them go for fear of being overwhelmed by a messy house during the work week. I was also worried that taking creative breaks would make me lose my mojo.
Ryan and I’s different approaches to free time clashed a lot in the beginning, but over time I began to see that his way of doing things was a lot better than mine. Once I started choosing a movie night over a sewing project, or cleaning just one room in the house rather than all of them at once, I started to feel less stressed. And, I found that giving myself room to rest actually made me more productive when I did have something I needed to do later.
Following Ryan’s lead on weekends changed a lot for me. But I really learned how to relax up when he started taking me along to hang out with his parents.
Ryan’s mom and dad are the masters of relaxation. Not only is their house ridiculously cozy and bedazzled with cute knick knacks, but they really understand the value of doing as little as possible on the weekends. Once all their chores are done on Friday, the only thing left on the agenda is to chill.
Whenever Ryan and I go over for a visit, there’s no pressure on any of us to do anything at all. The four of us eat simple meals like pizza and toast; we only grill out or cook if we’re in the mood for it. All weekend long we watch movies and TV, take naps, and hang out in the backyard when the weather is nice.
Sometimes in the summer, Ryan’s mom and dad will do some yard work, but never in long stretches. They take plenty of breaks to sit and smoke and enjoy the sunshine. Living in a more rural area, they’re surrounded by birds, deer, frogs, and other forest and wetland critters. We frequently sit on the back deck and try to spot who’s hiding in the trees.
Going up north to see Ryan’s family always feels like a retreat. There’s not a whole lot to do there, so you have to just unplug and exist in the moment.
One that helps is that neither of Ryan’s parents are glued to their phones or computers. They rarely use social media or have their devices on them — which is a far cry from how I’ve lived my life for the past decade or so.
When Ryan first took me to their house, I found myself simultaneously glued to my phone and also enticed by the idea that I didn’t really have to use it at all. No one else cared about what was happening in the news or the latest drama on Twitter and Instagram. Besides, there were snacks in the kitchen and everyone was outside enjoying the beautiful weather, which sounded a lot more refreshing than soaking in the glow of a smartphone.
Little by little, I started taking breaks from my phone during our visits when I went outside or watched a movie. Now, I basically just leave it in the guest room and don’t look at it all day.
Only once in recent memory did that backfire: when our cat sitter called me with a mildly important question. I thankfully saw the missed call only 10 minutes after it happened. But every other time I’ve been separated from my phone, it hasn’t really mattered that I’m not up-to-date on my notifications at all times. In fact, I enjoy the weekends when we visit a lot more when I can just be in the moment.
I used to think doing as much as possible on the weekends was the way to feel fulfilled. But Ryan’s family really shows me that the key to a good weekend is keeping your days as simple and stress-free as possible. Doing some things you enjoy — but not everything — is much more satisfying than try to cram an opportunity into every waking moment.
Rather than feeling like a dog chasing my tail these days, I try to approach weekend moments like leaves falling in the breeze. I don’t have to catch every single one, but by the end of the weekend, I’ll have a nice sized pile that I can still be happy with.
Come write with me this month! I’m teaching a workshop at the end of August. It’s called Grief and Memoir: Writing to Heal.
If you’ve been a reader here for a while, you’ll know that I frequently write about my dad’s passing in 2018 and how that experience left a lasting mark on me as a person. Writing is a way for me to process that loss year after year, because grief never really goes away.
I designed a class where we’ll talk all about grief writing — why it matters, what to do when it feels difficult, and how we can use it as a tool for healing. If you’ve been impacted by a significant loss in your life, be that of a parent, pet, friend, or even a place or state of being, this class is for you.
There will be two sessions: an in-person class at WordHaven Bookhouse in Sheboygan, WI, and a virtual class that anyone can attend. You can sign up for both classes on the WordHaven website. Each one is $10 per person.
In-person class at WordHaven: Saturday, Aug. 24 (sign up here)
Virtual class: Saturday, Aug. 31 at 1pm Central Time (sign up here)
Hope to see you there!
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